Sunday, December 13, 2009

Sunday Night Confessions

I have not kept up with my Sunday night confessions in a while but I have a great one this week. I had an epiphany this week and this is my only place to share it. Most of you know the emotional roller coaster I have been on since last May with all of the changes in our lives. Praise God things have gotten so much better. I love living in the town I grew up in. I LOVE my new house and we are settling into a good routine in the Koenig household. Thank you for all of the prayers and encouragement you gave. You will never know how much your words of encouragement meant to me.
Through all of the things that were starting to turn around I still had a nagging in the pit of my stomach that would not go away. Guilt. I have struggled with it all of my life but, this was gripping me and keeping me from moving forward. I am getting back on track with Mary Kay and getting back on my diet. Since November, I have lost 11 pounds and my clothes are fitting better. I am getting back into the bible and trying to evaluate my life. But guilt was robbing me of my joy and I could not snap out of it. I could not stop thinking about "woulda, coulda and shoulda". Yea I had lost 11 pounds and I was back to where I was this summer but where would I be if I had not gained the pounds this fall. I would be well onto my goal weight. I am starting over where I was in Mary Kay. I knocked it out of the park last year and was setting records all over the place. It was nothing to sell $2000 in a week and now I was struggling to sell that in a month? I am having to start totally over on my team. A girl that was in Director in Qualification with me is well on her way to earning her Cadillac. Where would I be if I had not stopped working, and how to I get back to that place emotionally? Then there is the guilt that separated my walk with Christ. I was walking on water with him last summer. I had reached a new height in my faith and was being set free. I was on a new level and could not wait to see where he took me and yet I literally fell off the mountain and could not see the peak I fell from. How could I let this happen? Where is that faith now? I look around at my internal thoughts and thought, "This is not me. This is not who I am. I have come to far in my life to be back here emotionally and spiritually. Where would I be if I had not taken this step so far back?" I kept telling myself to just shake it off and snap out of it already.
But in faith I kept plugging along. I continued to read my bible every day and I press in and waited for the feelings to catch up. Then Friday night as I was in the shower (I think it is one of the only times I am alone.) the Lord spoke. Wonder if this is how Peter felt when he denied Christ? Then it hit me. I have blogged before about Peter being my favorite story and feeling like I identify with him the best. He walked on water with the Lord. He saw Jesus heal people, feed the 5000 and raise Lazarus from the dead. Jesus told him that he was going to build His church on him and he denied Jesus. Jesus even told him that he was going to disown Him and he does not believe Him. I can only imagine the guilt that Peter felt. But when given the chance at redemption and forgiveness Peter ran to Jesus. When Jesus appeared to them on the beach that morning when they were fishing, Peter jumped out of the boat to swim to the shore and he fell at Jesus feet. He did not wallow in the self loathing and guilt. He did not go on like nothing had happened and settle for a lesser relationship with Jesus. His failure set him up for an even greater victory. I bet it also changed how he related to people too. In a relationship going through a conflict and being forgiven only strengthens the bond of that relationship. If you never have to go to Jesus for forgiveness and restoration you don't fully learn the depths of it. He took that passion into his new ministry and helped build the new testament church. The day of Pentecost in Acts, three thousand new believers were added to their numbers that day! His shadow healed people. God released a power into Peter's ministry that Peter would have NEVER experienced had he stayed at the point of his failure. When I was telling Darin about my new thought we began to discuss it and I thought of the difference in Peter's ending and that of Judas. Judas walked with Christ and was there too though all of the wondrous works that Jesus did. Judas betrayed Christ and let the guilt of it lead him to hanging himself. I don't feel like Judas was unredemptive. I wonder what good could have been brought out of his ministry if he had not let his story end there. What could the Lord have done through Judas like he did through Peter. Both men failed Jesus and lost footing in their walk with Jesus. Where does my story end? At the point of where I fell, wondering how I could have let myself get to this place? Or to run to the feet of Jesus and let Him restore all that was lost and place me back in a place of even greater faith and power to do ministry for his kingdom. I am more excited about what God has in store for me than I have been in months. Please leave your thoughts in the comments because I am excited about the insight I feel the Lord gave me.


Liz @ Sugarplum Creations said...

I think sometimes we have to get to that place of desperation before we can fully understand all that God has in store for us. It sounds like you are back on track. I hope you keep us updated on your journey.

Nocona said...

Thank you Liz.

Krista said...

Oh My Gosh Nocona! You are such an amazing writer and I know that you have been anointed! What a blessing these word are, I too deal with that "guilt". God's message through your hand has reinforced a lesson I many times forget....Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! I will keep this lesson in my heart. Love you!
and see you tonight!