Sunday, April 17, 2011

Sunday Night Confessions

Today at church really brought to my attention that I need to prepare my heart for Easter.  As we enter into Holy Week I really want to cleanse my heart and mind and "Get" Easter this year.  Not prepare for the Easter Service and the long to-do list that it brought when we were in ministry.  Instead I really want to tune my heart into Jesus and come into a reverent spirit as I enter this week.  I have just come out of one of the craziest, busy three weeks of my entire life and I regret that I did it to myself.  I have run on little sleep.  Not been the best mom that I could have been and my eating habits were terrible! All the things I tried to cram into the last three weeks did not get my best because I was "a jack of all trades and master of none."  I have lost sleep and my witness in the process.  I really want to be better at what I commit to and protect my schedule better.  Getting Dalton's birthday party finished as the last thing on my long list of things. I wanted to really focus on taking a deep breath getting my life straighted back out and getting into the Easter Mindset.  Other plans were laid out for me and I was blind sided by them starting Friday.  I got into a huge fight with Darin that lasted for two days.  We never really fight anymore and it started over something so stupid.  Then I dealt with bickering siblings all weekend and dropped my I-phone into my coffee. All of these details do set up my story and my lesson that God hit me between the eyes with tonight.  Hang with me. I have had a lot of trouble with my oldest this year.  He is a sweet tender hearted little boy, but he is strong minded and stubborn. He talks non-stop (do not know where he gets this...), is going to get the last word in, and has been sporting his "I'm not wrong" attitude policing everyone around him.  The power struggles that he gets into with his peers and his sisters, over things that don't matter, has driven me crazy this year.  I have found myself saying to him, "Why do you do this? This is not helping and makes my job harder when you do this.  It does not matter to you and now you are in trouble.  Let me be the parent!"  This behavior has exasperated me. All of this is all relevant to my lesson.
Today was a frusterating day.  Not only did I have a hard weekend with Darin but I have felt let down by different relationships in my life here recently.  I have been frusterated and letting it get to me.  I tried dealing with it with the best grace I had. I would  messure people against my own yard stick and complain about where they did not measure up.  The more I vented the more yuck I felt.  So I swallowed it and moved on, keeping my own judgemental comments to myself.  Then later I got a very accusatory ugly comment on a picture I put up on facebook.  So in the best 'turn the other cheek' fashion sent a private email back confronting the person, delted the comment and whipped out my "Holy Meassuring Stick" and pondered all the reasons why that person was wrong.  By the end of my rant I felt sick.  I knew the enemy was attacking me and I that none of this was by accident.  So I called my best friend asking her to pray with me.  I could not deal with my frusteration and I did not want the blood of my own sin going with me into this week.  As I prayed for wisdom and insight God showed a picture of myself, acting like that little boy yelling at his sisters over them not doing what they were suppose to do, "Mom! Madie's not cleaning her room!"  I saw myself in a power struggle with my brother's and sister's in Christ.  What does it matter to me who is not doing all that I think they should be doing?  What does it matter if someone else sin?  How is my pointing it out helping? Just like I have tried to get Dalton to understand that I will deal with his sisters and that his outburts make a bigger mess for me to deal with and now he's in trouble too.  God was gently telling me. "Why does it matter to you?" "This is not helping."   Lord help me to balance living in peace with my fellow belivers with balancing accountability.  Help me to balance mercy with truth.  Protect my heart and check my motives.  Cleanse me of a haughty spirit and thank you for your lessons.

Monday, March 21, 2011

This is the Stuff

This song made me laugh out loud when I heard it on the radio. I can't wait to sing it at church! This is my life right now and where God and I am. I hate to admit that I have had to post on facebook for someone to call my phone because I could not find it and I don't have a home phone to call it. I got three tickest the last three months I was in qualifications to become a director. I am sorry I have not blogged in a while. I am having trouble finding time for all of my jobs right now. I want to give my kids the attention they each need. Mary Kay is exploding with my unit and my personal sales. Plus, we are in the final 100 days of the Seminar year and I am finishing both the court of personal sales and recruiting. Not to mention being back in car qualifications for my 2nd free car! Darin is working a lot right now because he is up for another promotion. Baseball season has started again and with two kids in school that is two classrooms to keep up with. From singing in the choir and being in the band at church to planning with our ladies ministry and leading worship at our upcoming retreat, I have no spare time.  So blogging has been put on the back burner.   I am excited to announce that my 2nd dream will become a reality this summer. We have booked and almost completely paid for our Disney Vacation this summer! I cried on the phone with the lady as we were putting the details together. It is exciting to see the goal that my kids set come to being a reality. They will find out we are going at my debut party for Mary Kay in April! Thank you to all my followers for not dropping me for not posting more.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

"The Motions"-Matthew West Worship Wed.

This song really is a cry of my heart right now.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Sunday Night Confessions-Confession of a broken heart over the sin in my life.

It is with a very broken heart that come back to my blog with this word.  Life has been crazy the last few months but God has been dealing with me.  What I am about the blog about may lose me some followers. In fact I know it will.  This will bother me because I am working on worrying about rejection and would love to see my blog reach 100 followers.  Please hear my heart as you read what I am saying.  I do not say this out of judgemental attitude of looking down on any one.  Nor am I opening this can of worms for debate.  I am simply confessing a sin that God convicted me of and has been dealing with me about for a couple of months and it came to a breaking point while I was away at Mary Kay Leadership this week.  I have been a complete hypocrite on my blog and the Christian women who read it I can not believe that you still follow me.  I am ashamed of myself and the way I misrepresented my Jesus. The one who sacrificed His own life for me.  So here goes....
The Lord has opened up my eyes on my obsession with Twilight.  My addiction to the books, the story, the characters, the fan fiction website and the harm it has done in my life.  Please hear my heart.  When some "well meaning" Christian ladies threw in my face the dangers here I was not ready to receive this message.  I have no judgment just truth on what God revealed to me.  I dishonored my husband by publicly gushing over another man.  Now I justified this by saying he was a fictional character.  But in my mind he was real.  My children knew more about me being Team Edward than me being for Jesus.  I was reading fan fiction sights from my phone in every spare moment that I had.  These stories started out as just continuations of the story but I began to reading more and more of the sexual acts of the main characters.  I found myself being less bothered by the deviation these stories showed to even the act of the characters drinking human blood.  I had decensitized myself and was battling a major out of control demon of lust.  When I started the latest Beth Moore study, Revelation. I was again convicted.  I have always wanted to be a bible teacher someday and have a powerful women's ministry.  But then I was faced with the question.  "Would Beth Moore have any part of this?"  I knew the answer and I told God. "Well then maybe you are not calling me to this anymore."  I said I would give it up after the last movie came out and the hype dies down.  That would mean two more years!!!  It got to where I could not pray.  I could not worship in church.  I just shut down.  I felt guily and powerless.  I have never rebeled.  I followed God in highschool.  I did  not party when I got away from home.  I have never openly rebelled against God and what he was conviting me of.  I have never been "addicted" to anything like this in my life.  God brought me to a place where I had to chose.  I could live in my own rebellion and he would not allow another woman to come into my Mary Kay unit.  This is a stupid book series! Fiction not real and I was struggling this hard?  Was I crazy?  I called my husband from the conference crying and confessed to him and apologized for how I had dishonored him.  I asked him to get rid of all of my collectibles, books, movies, t-shirts and posters before I got home.  I did not want to have a chance to reason it out and back out before I got home.  I also did not want to feel guilty because most of it has been gifts from him.  I wish I could say that this was easy.  That I have not missed it or struggled or that it did not make me sad.  I would compare it to a man who stuggled with an addiction to porn.  In a way that is what this became to me.  Not visualy but emotionally and through reading the fan fiction stories.  Women struggle to with this on a different level but the sin is the same.  The battle in the mind and emotions is a hard place to manage.  It can be kept hidden.  My motivation for finally doing it was fear of the Lord.  I had a direct word from him and I had to follow.  The bible verse that was in my study the week this happened was
Revelations 2:1-5  1 “To the angel[a] of the church in Ephesus write:
   These are the words of him who holds the seven stars in his right hand and walks among the seven golden lampstands. 2 I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked people, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. 3 You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary.
   4 Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. 5 Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place."
I felt like a hypocrite.  Two weeks ago I got to see my youth minister from highschool and his wife.  I was ashamed of myself when I saw her.  I knew she read my facebook, and read my blog.  God has revealed to me some very serious things that Twilight has brought into our culture that is against God.  It has been portrayed as innocent, harmless and beautiful.  But it is darkness.  It still is Vampireism. Yes these are fiction books and I do believe in fantasy vs reality.  But Twilight was the tipping point that ushered us into a generation that Vampires are everywhere and the extreme deviation of an underground world is more socially accepted in a way than it ever was before.  Vampires are a deviation to the blood atonement of Jesus.  My heart is grieved and broken for how much I loved this story and used it to escape realities in my life that I did not want to face.  A lot of people read these stories and did not fall as crazy in love with them as I did.  But as Christian women where to we draw the line of following culture in the name of fun.  So there is my confession. Maybe this was just a word for me.  If it struck a chord please don't leave me a ranting comment just stop following me.  I will as I have time this week post my reason and scriptures of what God has revealed to me.  I am going back through my blog to delete older posts about this obsession.  I don't want to send a mixed message.  I am not sure what can of worms this post just opened up.  I just knew God was leading me to this public confession. 

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Worship Wed.

My new favorite song by Addison Road.  As much as love Jesus I don't fully grasp His holiness and how undone I truly I am.  How lucky we are for the sacrifice of Jesus Christ and how with out it God could not look at us.  Lord, never let me take for granite that sacrifice.  Forgive me of my pride and for ever forgetting that I am worthless without you and never too big to need a savior.  Let me never become too complacent in my faith that I forget to stand in awe of your holiness.
In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. 2 Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. 3 And they were calling to one another:
      "Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty;
       the whole earth is full of his glory."
4 At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.
 5 "Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty."
 6 Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. 7 With it he touched my mouth and said, "See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for."
 8 Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?"
      And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"
Isaiah 6:1-8

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Wisdom Worship Wed.

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

I was reminded today that the definition of insanity was to do the same things over and over but expecting different results.  To change we have to be open for change and willing to go through the pains of change.  But we also have to be willing to renew our minds in the word of God.  Then in my devotional today, it was about God's wisdom.  His perfect wisdom.  I want that.  I began to see how I have relaxed in the last couple of weeks trying to finish these goals and resting after they were done.  I had let a complaining whining spirit creep back in.  I was allowing myself to gossip when I was frustrated.  I had feelings of unforgiveness towards people that had done Darin wrong at his job and in my heart I was wanting my selfish justification.  It is all negative and a poison.  The teaching I heard on TV was about prosperity.  We are blessed to be a blessing to others.  We are highly favored by our God and King who provides so richly to our needs, but it is so to pass on favor to others in need.  In my heart I was not sowing seeds of blessings.  I pray for Godly wisdom in difficult situations and not be emotion led.  I pray for a renewing of my mind so it does not take so long for me to realize I am off track.  I want to live life on a different plane in my thoughts and life than the world has to offer.  This song for Worship Wed. means so much to me.  I got to sing it this summer at church and it is so my prayer today. 

Top 2 Tuesday

Things I will Accomplish This Year!

Earn this Ring!
I am going for being the Queen of the entire Sapphire Division at the Mary Kay Seminar for Recruiting!
This is huge for me because I have never even been in the Queen's Court of Recruiting! It takes 24 new qualified team members.  I am going for 50.  Last year I only recruited 3 qualified team members the entire year.  This year I have added 15 personal team members and 5 are already Seminar Qualified!  My mother said she would come to Seminar to see me cross the stage in the Queen's Court of Sales, Unit Club, and WHEN I am the Queen of Recruiting my entire family will get to be presented on stage with me.  It will give me a huge platform to publicly tell my family what they mean to me.  It makes me cry to even think about.  What lesson will that teach my kids as they stand beside the big throne I will get to sit on.  Then watch me earn a crown and be presented and  get to introduce them.  What will they learn about big girl dreams and accomplishments. I have learned that we as women have to tap into the emotions behind our dream and feed them.  I already envision myself seated on that throne.  I can see what Dalton, Brighton and Madison be wearing and what they will say when they get to talk in the big microphone.  To see the look of pride on my dad's face and to have my mother get to the see the huge picture of why I do what I do.  I have my dress for it all picked out.  What will I get to say about Darin and publicly thank him for his support.  It will be his first Seminar too.  We will also be traveling to Dallas in our new Pink Caddy too! I will accomplish this goal this year!

 2. Take my Kids to Disney World!

I have dreamed of taking my children to Disney World while they were little enough to believe that they were meeting the real Cinderella and Mickey Mouse.  This year as a new Sales Director I can earn up to $4000 in bonuses each quarter just by doing what I am suppose to do.  I have already earned the 1st one by debuting as a Sales Director before Dec. 1 this year! Each $1000 check I earn is going into a savings account for our trip.  Our plan is to pick them up on the last day of school and go on this vacation.  This year has already started as a year that the Koenig house hold does what they have been saying they are going to do for a long time.

I know this is top 2 Tuesday but I have one more.  With mine and Darin's promotions this month we are back on track to being debt free by December 31st! We will make this happen!