Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Thankful Thursday

"And my God shall supply all of your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."
Phil. 4:19
That was in my bible reading just this morning! Do I have a lot to be thankful for! On Monday it was not truing out to be a good week and Tuesday was turning out the same way. Darin still had not started at Whataburger which he was suppose to the Monday before last. We lost out on the rental house that I had been mentally decorating for the past two weeks. The management company was not working with us at all. I was stressing about finding childcare for two events I had to go to next week and so on. I just kept praying. I even made myself exercise and go running. I decided that I could do nothing but praise God. Complaining, resenting and getting down was not going to open any doors. On Tuesday I got an encouraging e-mail out of the blue from a pastor's wife that Darin and I had served with when he was in Seminary. I have not talked to her in years and we reunited on facebook. Then on Wednesday we went to look at more houses. We not only found one house but two houses in out price range and criteria. I fell in love with the most beautiful house in the neighborhood I had originally wanted to live in. It had just come up on the market this last week. This is one of those neighborhoods as you drive by I told Darin, not to even drive through it because they would all be out of our price range. As we were talking the agent showing us the house had rented to us before when we lived in Kyle and she is vouching for us with the management company. As we were looking at the house Darin got a call from Whataburger and they wanted him to come in at 3:00 that day to start. He is going to get a full week of pay that we were not thinking he was going to get. God is good.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Monday Night Football

I have never been a huge football fan. (As much as my husband wishes I was.) I prefer college football. I have never really understood how a man could watch a Friday night highschool football game, College Football all day on Saturday and then Pro games on Sunday and Monday. Now they even have football on Thursday nights. But as a little girl I loved Sunday or Monday night football when the Cowboys played. But, not because I enjoyed watching it. I have always had trouble going to sleep at night. When I was a little girl I was terribly afraid of the dark and sleeping alone. I remember how I would literally have anxiety trying to fall asleep before my dad went to bed at night. In my mind when Daddy went to bed that is when the real monsters could get me or the robbers could come in. As long as he was awake and I could hear him moving around our small house, I felt safer. He would stay up late to watch the Cowboy games when they played no mater how late the game ran. From my room I could hear the dull sounds of the game coming from our living room and see the faint flicker of the TV. My dad was never an armchair quarter back and does not talk to the TV during football games. (Like my husband.) But, when the Cowboys (or the Aggies) make a good play my dad still sits up at the edge of his seat and had this excited rhythm he claps. It is always this fast clap, clap, clap, clap, clap and then he sits back and continues watching the game. I just enjoy watching the game now with my dad because that clap is one of the peaceful sounds from my childhood. It meant the Cowboys were winning, daddy was still awake and I had extra time to safely fall asleep.
As an adult I still have trouble falling asleep at night. That is when things that have been weighing in the back of my mind during the day begin to creep back in. These monsters are money stress, personal problems that are going on and all of those things we all face. At night they are bigger and more looming like the monsters in the closest that don't seem so big in the light of day. My Daddy can't protect me from or fix these monsters that loom over me. But I have a heavenly father that does not sleep. He can and wants to fix all of it. He is bigger than any monster that hides in my closest and he sooths the storm in my soul. I have even discovered over the last few weeks that I can pray and ask Him to literally put me to sleep at night. Isn't God good? His Fatherhood is one of my favorite characteristics of His.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Sunday Night Confessions

I am back to my Sunday night confessions. I have debated about even writing this one but I feel like I am suppose to. Maybe it is for me, maybe to encourage someone else. As you read in my Thursday post Darin and I have been through a lot in the past few months and had to adjust to a ton of life changes. It is still not over yet but I am adapting. We are waiting to see if we are approved for a rent house in Kyle and are set to move in the 3rd week of the month. I am counting the days. I have not felt this anxious about getting out of my parents house since the three weeks before my wedding! Adding three kids and a husband to the space I use to use when I was a teenager I think makes it more nerve racking. But, I have to confess the down hill spiral I have been going down since May. I have always been high strung and had to ride the emotional roller coaster that come with my personality. I have gotten a better grip on it over the years so the highs are not too high and the lows not to low. God has been good to me with that. I never wanted to take anything for it because I did not want to be to the point that I could not feel anything. I wanted to be able to cry in worship because it moved me and still feel the giddy pulse of excitement when something cool happened. I mean over the last year I really felt I was walking with God and seeing him to a major work in me. I adjusted to all of the changes. Giving up our house that I loved, moving into my friends house to house sit. Then my Mary Kay team falling apart and not finishing Director in Qualification for Mary Kay. Then having to move to my parents house was my worst fear coming to life. My parents have been very good to us about providing for us. But, it has not been easy and some days the tension is suffocating. It can be like 24 hour surveillance on you parenting. I spiraled down into a depression. I could not sleep, I did not want to get up in the mornings. Me, the people person did not want to go anywhere or be around anyone. I did not want to talk to anyone. I felt so alone and just dark on the inside. I was angry and felt like I was walking around in a fog. I could not remember smiling or laughing. I just sat in silence (which is not me) and did just enough to take care of the kids. I felt like life was over. I could not swallow anymore and when every I went to my room I cried myself to sleep. I had never felt hopelessness like this before. I felt like a failure. How could I be walking on water one day and have such strong faith and then in the next instance be here? I could not pray. When I was at church I could not sing. I felt like Satan himself had reached into my throat and ripped out my song and the darkness was pressing down on me where I could not breath. I felt like I had been ripped from my community where I had belonged and placed back in a place where I was alone and unwanted. I was on a vacation and I just wanted to go home only I had no place to go.
I remembered a dear friend of mine that I have always thought was a strong Christian, completely mature and even tempered, sharing with me that there was a time in her life that she had to be put on anti depressants. I can honestly say I have never judged people needing to be on antidepressants. I was of the school of thought that life is too short to be miserable. If something is broken fix it and move on. But I was not sure they were for me. I felt like if I had enough faith and was dependent on God enough then I did not need them. Nothing in my life was that bad that I needed them. But here I was and I was in such a deep pit that I could not see the light and did not have the energy to get out. I had to do something for my kids. So I made the appointment with my doctor and I was so nervous. People don't make me nervous but I was going into the man's office I admit emotional weakness. I did not know what I would do if he dismissed my emotions. I don't know why thought that but I was scared he was going to think I was just an overwhelmed crazy female that needed to get a grip. Even when I made the appointment I was unsure of what to tell the receptionist to call it. "Look I am loosing my mind and I am coming in to get some drugs to make me normal again." Since that would not fit in the appointment book I told her it was a well check. Once I got into his office and started talking my fears melted away. He is the sweetest man and has a demeanor a lot like Darin. I cried and talked. He completely validated how I was feeling. He told me I was describing clinical depression and a lot of people in the economy were facing the same thing. He gave me a month's supply of Lexapro. I was so relieved I wanted to hug him. (I didn't.) I still felt guilty and worried what other Christians would think. That I was not walking with God? That I wanted a quick fix to my emotions and did not want to work it out with Him? Then when I was in H.E.B. and I ran into an old friend and her mother. Again these woman have always been very quiet and faith filled women. I don't know how the subject came up as we talked but I found out both of them were on antidepressants. My friends mother told me she had felt the same way about taking them. But her doctor told her. "If you needed insulin would you take it? Or chemo for cancer would you do it? Why is this different when your body chemistry may need this?" It made me feel so much better. I am able to sleep now and function through my day feeling normal. I can pray and worship again. I am not sure if I will stay on them forever. I am still not sure what God had planned for Darin and I in the future. All I know is that he is building my testimony for His kingdom and His glory and that He has the plan all mapped out. I am taking it one day at a time.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Friday 10 List is Back!!! Catching up

I am dedicating this weeks 10 lesson to catching up on all the things I meant to blog about and did not get it done while I was taking a break from blogging.

1. In the Spring Brighton had her Spring Performance for Ballet and her first tap performance She was so cute!

2. Dalton played Spring baseball on the Phillies this year. It is his 2nd year in coach pitch.

3. Madie turned 2 and we had her birthday party at Nonna and Grandpa's house!

4. Darin turned 35! Wow 35 sounds so old. (Although he looks 25) He was 21 when we started dating. This was at one of his birthday dinners.

5. Dalton finished Kindergarten! Here he is with his teacher Mrs. Fraunhaufer.

6. Celebrated the 4th with our friends at the Park for the 3rd year in a row.
7. I finished the Queen's Court of Sales for Mary Kay and earned my first diamond ring. I was number 1 in sales and recruiting in my unit and #3 in my National Area. I got to go across stage at our Seminar to get my ring.

8. Celebrated 13 years with Darin by going to The Melting Pot. He bought me my 1st Coach bag! Gold and Pink!

9. Moved to Kyle.

10. We lost our dog, Scarlett, after having her for 13 years. I could not even find a picture of her that is on this computer. She was my gift from Darin after we had been married for 1 year. He let me name her Scarlett after the best heroine from my favorite book and movie! My mother was just relieved we did not name our first daughter Scarlett. Someday we will get another dog after we get settled. I really want a Sheltie and I have convinced the kids they want to name her Bella. (My new favorite heroine from my favorite book series.)

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Thankful Thursday-"Count Your Blessings"

"When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed.
When you are discouraged thinking all is lost
Count your many blessings name them one by one
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done
Count your blessings name them one by one
Count your blessings see what God hath done
Count your blessings name them one by one
Count your many blessings see what God hath done
Are you ever burdened with a load of care
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear
Count your many blessings every doubt will fly
And you will be singing as the days go by
When you look at others with their lands and gold
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold
Count your many blessings money cannot buy
Your reward in heaven nor your home on high
So amid the conflict whether great or small
Do not be discouraged God is over all
Count your many blessings angels will attend
Help and comfort give you to your journey's end
Count your blessings name them one by one
Count your blessings see what God has done.
Count your blessings name them one by one
Count your many blessings see what God has done"
So I stole this from Jenny and I am going to make this my Thursday routine. I know that a thankful heart is a happy heart. With the last few months I have to confess I have not been as good at counting my blessings. With the church not being able to afford Darin's salary anymore then, having to move in with my parents it has been hard and I have fought depression. Leaving New Braunfels and my friends so suddenly was not much fun either. I am still not ready to talk about the emotional roller coaster I have been on over the past few months but God and I are working on it. When the wounds are not so fresh I will talk about the lessons I have learned. But I can testify that even though I don't understand all that has happened and the reason behind it I have a huge faith in God. I know and stand on the promises that he has a plan for us, a plan to give us a hope and a future. He works all things for the good of those that love him and that is all I have to know. We are taking it one day at time. Darin has gotten a huge opportunity to go back into management at Whataburger with quick advancements and it staying on part time at the church. At the end of the month we will be moving into our own house again in Kyle and it will allow us to be debt free in less than a year. (We are still praying about God coming through on the deposit before the house is taken.) So I have compiled a list of Gods provision.

1. I have three well children, who are happy and have not idea what is going on.
2. Darin and I are healthy happy and on the same page together
3. I have a home to come to, even if it is not mine
4. Two weeks ago when I had a broken tooth a friend of mine had her husband fix it and gave me a huge discount
5. I have not had to buy any clothes for myself or shoes in the last two years because my Mary Kay director has given me all of hers.
6. I have friends and family that have totally welcomed me home. I can't even go into HEB with out seeing someone I know.
7. Even though I have had to move and have not had time to work my business with Mary Kay I have loyal and wonderful customers.
8. Dalton is in a wonderful school and doing so well.

So here is my list of blessings that God has provided for us.