Sunday Night Confessions

I am back to my Sunday night confessions. I have debated about even writing this one but I feel like I am suppose to. Maybe it is for me, maybe to encourage someone else. As you read in my Thursday post Darin and I have been through a lot in the past few months and had to adjust to a ton of life changes. It is still not over yet but I am adapting. We are waiting to see if we are approved for a rent house in Kyle and are set to move in the 3rd week of the month. I am counting the days. I have not felt this anxious about getting out of my parents house since the three weeks before my wedding! Adding three kids and a husband to the space I use to use when I was a teenager I think makes it more nerve racking. But, I have to confess the down hill spiral I have been going down since May. I have always been high strung and had to ride the emotional roller coaster that come with my personality. I have gotten a better grip on it over the years so the highs are not too high and the lows not to low. God has been good to me with that. I never wanted to take anything for it because I did not want to be to the point that I could not feel anything. I wanted to be able to cry in worship because it moved me and still feel the giddy pulse of excitement when something cool happened. I mean over the last year I really felt I was walking with God and seeing him to a major work in me. I adjusted to all of the changes. Giving up our house that I loved, moving into my friends house to house sit. Then my Mary Kay team falling apart and not finishing Director in Qualification for Mary Kay. Then having to move to my parents house was my worst fear coming to life. My parents have been very good to us about providing for us. But, it has not been easy and some days the tension is suffocating. It can be like 24 hour surveillance on you parenting. I spiraled down into a depression. I could not sleep, I did not want to get up in the mornings. Me, the people person did not want to go anywhere or be around anyone. I did not want to talk to anyone. I felt so alone and just dark on the inside. I was angry and felt like I was walking around in a fog. I could not remember smiling or laughing. I just sat in silence (which is not me) and did just enough to take care of the kids. I felt like life was over. I could not swallow anymore and when every I went to my room I cried myself to sleep. I had never felt hopelessness like this before. I felt like a failure. How could I be walking on water one day and have such strong faith and then in the next instance be here? I could not pray. When I was at church I could not sing. I felt like Satan himself had reached into my throat and ripped out my song and the darkness was pressing down on me where I could not breath. I felt like I had been ripped from my community where I had belonged and placed back in a place where I was alone and unwanted. I was on a vacation and I just wanted to go home only I had no place to go.
I remembered a dear friend of mine that I have always thought was a strong Christian, completely mature and even tempered, sharing with me that there was a time in her life that she had to be put on anti depressants. I can honestly say I have never judged people needing to be on antidepressants. I was of the school of thought that life is too short to be miserable. If something is broken fix it and move on. But I was not sure they were for me. I felt like if I had enough faith and was dependent on God enough then I did not need them. Nothing in my life was that bad that I needed them. But here I was and I was in such a deep pit that I could not see the light and did not have the energy to get out. I had to do something for my kids. So I made the appointment with my doctor and I was so nervous. People don't make me nervous but I was going into the man's office I admit emotional weakness. I did not know what I would do if he dismissed my emotions. I don't know why thought that but I was scared he was going to think I was just an overwhelmed crazy female that needed to get a grip. Even when I made the appointment I was unsure of what to tell the receptionist to call it. "Look I am loosing my mind and I am coming in to get some drugs to make me normal again." Since that would not fit in the appointment book I told her it was a well check. Once I got into his office and started talking my fears melted away. He is the sweetest man and has a demeanor a lot like Darin. I cried and talked. He completely validated how I was feeling. He told me I was describing clinical depression and a lot of people in the economy were facing the same thing. He gave me a month's supply of Lexapro. I was so relieved I wanted to hug him. (I didn't.) I still felt guilty and worried what other Christians would think. That I was not walking with God? That I wanted a quick fix to my emotions and did not want to work it out with Him? Then when I was in H.E.B. and I ran into an old friend and her mother. Again these woman have always been very quiet and faith filled women. I don't know how the subject came up as we talked but I found out both of them were on antidepressants. My friends mother told me she had felt the same way about taking them. But her doctor told her. "If you needed insulin would you take it? Or chemo for cancer would you do it? Why is this different when your body chemistry may need this?" It made me feel so much better. I am able to sleep now and function through my day feeling normal. I can pray and worship again. I am not sure if I will stay on them forever. I am still not sure what God had planned for Darin and I in the future. All I know is that he is building my testimony for His kingdom and His glory and that He has the plan all mapped out. I am taking it one day at a time.