Thursday, April 16, 2009
Man when I started this bible study, Becoming the Woman I Want to Be. I thought, "OK lets take a breather from some the intensity of the last Beth Moore study we did. " This should be good and very simple. It has so far been very simple and things that I have known I should be doing for years and things I already am doing. The lessons each day are short and simple, the scriptures are in the book so I am not having to flip all over the bible and can take this book anywhere and work on it. But because of it's simplicity I have taken it for granted and some weeks done three or four lessons, "just to get through it" so I would be prepared for Wed. morning bible study. Which is hard to confess to because I am the leader. Donna has asked us to fast at different times throughout the study and each time I have done something simple like, fasting from facebook, or from foods not really stepping up to where I thought the Lord wanted to grow me. One Saturday I told the Lord I would try to fast on Saturday. Well I set myself up for failure by going into with a sigh and a try and not real conviction. We had a birthday party that day and they were serving hot dogs so I got up and got me one with a small bag of chips. I ate it knowing my defiance as I took each bite. I was not even hungry and I don't even like hot dogs. I wore the shroud of my disobedience around me the rest of that day. I was so upset with myself and convicted I felt like calling my Pastor to confess. Then a couple of weeks later she challenged us to get up an hour before our families and getting with the Lord at the start of our day. I have rebelled against that thought for years. My thought was as long as I am giving God some part of my day that should be enough and it is a lot more than most people do. I do my quiet times after the kids go down for a nap. But I knew that even then I struggled to get it in because things would come up and life happened. So I freaked out about having to get up at 5:30 and set my alarm grumbling as I went to bed that night. My alarm went off and I shut it off. I laid there and thought, "God not today. The kids were up last night. I will start tomorrow." I rolled over and went back to sleep. 15 minutes later my eyes opened and I felt sick. I clearly heard in my head,"Do you want to feel like you did when you did not fast?" So I got up and went downstairs. It was a wonderful time and I had a great day because of it. I wish I could tell you I have done that everyday since. But I have not until this week. This book sucker punched me in the gut Tuesday night. I have never lost sleep over such heavy conviction. She pointed out in the study that what we talk about the most is the key to letting other people into our hearts. It said, "I can't do what ever I feel like doing and expect a victory." God brought to my attention the things I rant about and have let myself become obsessed with. The fact that I say I want to lose weight and eat what ever I want throwing in a glass of water and a salad. I still live in defiance about my quiet time, my prayer life, and my discipline. Through this study and especially this week God has not let up. This is hard and today I and I want to sit in the corner and cry. Things that I have 'oh welled' about in the past I can not let go. I know that this is a stage of growth personally, physically, spiritually and in my Mary Kay. But this is hard. This is not fun. After all these years and all that God has done for me, this time he is not letting me off the hook. It is also a time of loneliness. I am not sure why but I think God is drawing me into more of a dependence on him and not others and I feel a little secluded. It has just been a struggle for a few weeks. I do know the victory is worth it. I really love the person I am becoming. I am thankful for a Savior that does not leave us the way we are and gently moves us on, but today is hard. This is more painful that I thought it would be and I was not prepared for it. I do praise God for it and I am embracing it. I just wanted to process this today in hopes of helping me press on. I just ask for your prayers and thank you for reading.
"Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No I beat my body and make it a slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."
1 Corinthians 9:26-27
Please remember my sister-in-law Jenny. Her grandmother is very sick and this is her last living grandparent. Praying for you girl and I hurt for you and your family.