Sunday, January 23, 2011

Sunday Night Confessions-Confession of a broken heart over the sin in my life.

It is with a very broken heart that come back to my blog with this word.  Life has been crazy the last few months but God has been dealing with me.  What I am about the blog about may lose me some followers. In fact I know it will.  This will bother me because I am working on worrying about rejection and would love to see my blog reach 100 followers.  Please hear my heart as you read what I am saying.  I do not say this out of judgemental attitude of looking down on any one.  Nor am I opening this can of worms for debate.  I am simply confessing a sin that God convicted me of and has been dealing with me about for a couple of months and it came to a breaking point while I was away at Mary Kay Leadership this week.  I have been a complete hypocrite on my blog and the Christian women who read it I can not believe that you still follow me.  I am ashamed of myself and the way I misrepresented my Jesus. The one who sacrificed His own life for me.  So here goes....
The Lord has opened up my eyes on my obsession with Twilight.  My addiction to the books, the story, the characters, the fan fiction website and the harm it has done in my life.  Please hear my heart.  When some "well meaning" Christian ladies threw in my face the dangers here I was not ready to receive this message.  I have no judgment just truth on what God revealed to me.  I dishonored my husband by publicly gushing over another man.  Now I justified this by saying he was a fictional character.  But in my mind he was real.  My children knew more about me being Team Edward than me being for Jesus.  I was reading fan fiction sights from my phone in every spare moment that I had.  These stories started out as just continuations of the story but I began to reading more and more of the sexual acts of the main characters.  I found myself being less bothered by the deviation these stories showed to even the act of the characters drinking human blood.  I had decensitized myself and was battling a major out of control demon of lust.  When I started the latest Beth Moore study, Revelation. I was again convicted.  I have always wanted to be a bible teacher someday and have a powerful women's ministry.  But then I was faced with the question.  "Would Beth Moore have any part of this?"  I knew the answer and I told God. "Well then maybe you are not calling me to this anymore."  I said I would give it up after the last movie came out and the hype dies down.  That would mean two more years!!!  It got to where I could not pray.  I could not worship in church.  I just shut down.  I felt guily and powerless.  I have never rebeled.  I followed God in highschool.  I did  not party when I got away from home.  I have never openly rebelled against God and what he was conviting me of.  I have never been "addicted" to anything like this in my life.  God brought me to a place where I had to chose.  I could live in my own rebellion and he would not allow another woman to come into my Mary Kay unit.  This is a stupid book series! Fiction not real and I was struggling this hard?  Was I crazy?  I called my husband from the conference crying and confessed to him and apologized for how I had dishonored him.  I asked him to get rid of all of my collectibles, books, movies, t-shirts and posters before I got home.  I did not want to have a chance to reason it out and back out before I got home.  I also did not want to feel guilty because most of it has been gifts from him.  I wish I could say that this was easy.  That I have not missed it or struggled or that it did not make me sad.  I would compare it to a man who stuggled with an addiction to porn.  In a way that is what this became to me.  Not visualy but emotionally and through reading the fan fiction stories.  Women struggle to with this on a different level but the sin is the same.  The battle in the mind and emotions is a hard place to manage.  It can be kept hidden.  My motivation for finally doing it was fear of the Lord.  I had a direct word from him and I had to follow.  The bible verse that was in my study the week this happened was
Revelations 2:1-5  1 “To the angel[a] of the church in Ephesus write:
   These are the words of him who holds the seven stars in his right hand and walks among the seven golden lampstands. 2 I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked people, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. 3 You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary.
   4 Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. 5 Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place."
I felt like a hypocrite.  Two weeks ago I got to see my youth minister from highschool and his wife.  I was ashamed of myself when I saw her.  I knew she read my facebook, and read my blog.  God has revealed to me some very serious things that Twilight has brought into our culture that is against God.  It has been portrayed as innocent, harmless and beautiful.  But it is darkness.  It still is Vampireism. Yes these are fiction books and I do believe in fantasy vs reality.  But Twilight was the tipping point that ushered us into a generation that Vampires are everywhere and the extreme deviation of an underground world is more socially accepted in a way than it ever was before.  Vampires are a deviation to the blood atonement of Jesus.  My heart is grieved and broken for how much I loved this story and used it to escape realities in my life that I did not want to face.  A lot of people read these stories and did not fall as crazy in love with them as I did.  But as Christian women where to we draw the line of following culture in the name of fun.  So there is my confession. Maybe this was just a word for me.  If it struck a chord please don't leave me a ranting comment just stop following me.  I will as I have time this week post my reason and scriptures of what God has revealed to me.  I am going back through my blog to delete older posts about this obsession.  I don't want to send a mixed message.  I am not sure what can of worms this post just opened up.  I just knew God was leading me to this public confession. 


Jenny C said...

Wonderful post! You are awesome! Thank you for showing your heart on this and for being so transparent about it! Love you girl!

Crystal said...

What an awesome "eye-opener" post!! Thank you for the courage to open up and share such transformation within your spirit, your soul...your most inner core! You are a beautiful woman and LOVED not only by me but by our Father!! He puts in our hearts, such conviction, like a true Father should. I am very proud of you and love you with all of my heart!!

Vanessa said...

I am so proud of you, Nocona! This post took a lot of courage! It's time we all swept out the corners and replaced our false idols with our one, true Lord!

Melanie said...

Nocona, you are a brave and beautifully obedient woman. I am so proud of you. We ALL have coping mechanisms and places of escape in our hearts and minds ~ even your old youth minister's wife! ; )

I pray you continue to allow the Lord "to have access to your heart" like this. (That's a quote from Beth Moore ~ she autographed this in one of my Bible studies!) Also praying that the Lord fills up those spaces with things that are "true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, of good repute, excellent, and worthy of praise." (Phil. 4)

I pray this for myself constantly!

Thanks so much for humbly sharing how the Lord is working in you ~ it is a true blessing.

Anonymous said...

God will honor your obedience, Nocona... He is pleased with your transparency.. and with your heart. I love you and am so proud that you are my sister.

The Princess Diaries said...

Hey there, I haven't been blogging lately but I noticed I had folowers and saw that you were one. I read this post of yours. I have to admit, when u 1st visited me at my house, I was a bit taken back when you spoke about the twilight series and how all the young girls were inspired by them including yourself. About a year ago we had to contimplate the idea of our oldest watching the Harry Potter series. This resulted in a blog post here as to why we decided not to proceed. Hope it inspires you. Know you are forgiven.