Sunday, April 17, 2011

Sunday Night Confessions

Today at church really brought to my attention that I need to prepare my heart for Easter.  As we enter into Holy Week I really want to cleanse my heart and mind and "Get" Easter this year.  Not prepare for the Easter Service and the long to-do list that it brought when we were in ministry.  Instead I really want to tune my heart into Jesus and come into a reverent spirit as I enter this week.  I have just come out of one of the craziest, busy three weeks of my entire life and I regret that I did it to myself.  I have run on little sleep.  Not been the best mom that I could have been and my eating habits were terrible! All the things I tried to cram into the last three weeks did not get my best because I was "a jack of all trades and master of none."  I have lost sleep and my witness in the process.  I really want to be better at what I commit to and protect my schedule better.  Getting Dalton's birthday party finished as the last thing on my long list of things. I wanted to really focus on taking a deep breath getting my life straighted back out and getting into the Easter Mindset.  Other plans were laid out for me and I was blind sided by them starting Friday.  I got into a huge fight with Darin that lasted for two days.  We never really fight anymore and it started over something so stupid.  Then I dealt with bickering siblings all weekend and dropped my I-phone into my coffee. All of these details do set up my story and my lesson that God hit me between the eyes with tonight.  Hang with me. I have had a lot of trouble with my oldest this year.  He is a sweet tender hearted little boy, but he is strong minded and stubborn. He talks non-stop (do not know where he gets this...), is going to get the last word in, and has been sporting his "I'm not wrong" attitude policing everyone around him.  The power struggles that he gets into with his peers and his sisters, over things that don't matter, has driven me crazy this year.  I have found myself saying to him, "Why do you do this? This is not helping and makes my job harder when you do this.  It does not matter to you and now you are in trouble.  Let me be the parent!"  This behavior has exasperated me. All of this is all relevant to my lesson.
Today was a frusterating day.  Not only did I have a hard weekend with Darin but I have felt let down by different relationships in my life here recently.  I have been frusterated and letting it get to me.  I tried dealing with it with the best grace I had. I would  messure people against my own yard stick and complain about where they did not measure up.  The more I vented the more yuck I felt.  So I swallowed it and moved on, keeping my own judgemental comments to myself.  Then later I got a very accusatory ugly comment on a picture I put up on facebook.  So in the best 'turn the other cheek' fashion sent a private email back confronting the person, delted the comment and whipped out my "Holy Meassuring Stick" and pondered all the reasons why that person was wrong.  By the end of my rant I felt sick.  I knew the enemy was attacking me and I that none of this was by accident.  So I called my best friend asking her to pray with me.  I could not deal with my frusteration and I did not want the blood of my own sin going with me into this week.  As I prayed for wisdom and insight God showed a picture of myself, acting like that little boy yelling at his sisters over them not doing what they were suppose to do, "Mom! Madie's not cleaning her room!"  I saw myself in a power struggle with my brother's and sister's in Christ.  What does it matter to me who is not doing all that I think they should be doing?  What does it matter if someone else sin?  How is my pointing it out helping? Just like I have tried to get Dalton to understand that I will deal with his sisters and that his outburts make a bigger mess for me to deal with and now he's in trouble too.  God was gently telling me. "Why does it matter to you?" "This is not helping."   Lord help me to balance living in peace with my fellow belivers with balancing accountability.  Help me to balance mercy with truth.  Protect my heart and check my motives.  Cleanse me of a haughty spirit and thank you for your lessons.


Crystal said...

Amen. Thank you for sharing. I need to do the same thing for holy week.....go in with the right heart. I appreciate your blogs. Seeing insight from you is a blessing.

Jenny C said...

Love reading your heart! You are such an inspiration to me

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